Are we trying to earn God's love?

A recent blog entry by Michael Hudson reminded me of my own spiritual journey. He wrote: "Most of us were taught that God would love us if and when we change. In fact, God loves you so that you can change..."

From the beginning of my spiritual journey, sin has been a difficult concept for me to understand because I always thought of myself as being basically good—extremely shy, but without malice toward anyone!

I came to faith as a teenager. That means I went forward during the hymn of invitation and publicly confessed my faith in Jesus Christ and was baptized, immersed in water that same morning. I wanted to obey Jesus and follow him but I came to faith in a tradition that made me think I had to earn God’s forgiveness by doing everything right.

I had to understand each scripture with exactly the correct interpretation and then I had to obey it to the letter. And with my public confession of faith I fully intended to do just that.

If I did everything right God would owe me--and God would have to accept me because of my obedience. At that point I was aware of sin because, to me, sin was only the big things like murder or stealing or lying—or in my particular tradition, dancing or drinking or swimming, wearing bathing suits or shorts…. And since I did not do any of that in my naive way of thinking, I really had not ever sinned. But I sincerely wanted to follow Jesus and obey Jesus, so I confessed my faith in him and was baptized.

About ten years later I am a young adult, married with two children and on this particular Sunday we were worshiping with a congregation in Tennessee the summer of 1974. I remember we were singing a contemporary chorus that repeated a phrase several times: “Remember not, the sins of my youth….”

As we repeated that phrase I began to converse with the Lord in my spirit. I said something to the effect, “Lord, I really didn’t have any sins in my youth… I didn’t dance and I didn’t lie and I never intentionally hurt anybody…”

As I continued to remind the Lord of my virtue, of the things I didn’t do (much like the Pharisee praying in the Temple… I realize now!), another thought broke into my thoughts!

It was as if the Lord spoke to my heart… saying, “Barbara, you’re right. You did not do any of those things. The sin of your youth was ‘self-consciousness.’”

That truth pierced me to the core of my being. And in that split second, I was convicted of sin! As a teenager I did what I did because I was SELF-conscious—not because I was GOD-conscious.

I refrained from ‘evil’ because I was afraid of what people would think about me. I did not do certain things because I was afraid of what people would say about me. The motive of my teen-aged heart was self-protection.

I did not consciously receive God’s love and pass it on to others because I was too busy trying to earn God’s love. In reality my pride was in what I did not do—I defined my ‘goodness’ as refraining from bad!

That Sunday morning in Nashville we continued to sing that chorus several more times and the refrain came over and over again, “Remember not, the sins of my youth…” and all I could say to the Lord, in my spirit, was simply, “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

For the first time in my life I felt a need to truly repent—to confess sinfulness—to turn again toward the Lord with renewed desire for him. I entered the service that morning an ignorant Pharisee, but I left a repentant and forgiven sinner! So aware of God's grace and God's love poured into my heart through the Holy Spirit!

We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Each of us fail to live up to the fullness for which we were created. We have all failed to maintain the intimacy that God intended for us and continues to desire for us. As Michael Hudson said, "Most of us were taught that God would love us if and when we change. In fact, God loves you so that you can change..."